I guess I should change the title of the blog to "Being a Single Mom at 22" now, huh? It's been a month and I have since given birth to a beautiful baby girl, Mackenzie. Everything about my life from when I started this blog has changed except Mackenzie. I started this blog when she was just a little fetus in my belly and now she is a wonderful, thriving 9 month old who is playing beside me as I type.
Mackenzie is my life. Her smile, her laugh, her baby talk; everything about her is perfect. Being a mom can be tough, but the rewards that come with it are immeasurable. It has been a rough year since the last post. John and I struggeled up until the very end... My dad was diagnosed with brain cancer 10 days before Mackenzie was born and it has since turned my world upside down. To make a very long story short, I decided to live at home with my family and John and I could not agree on anything and the day before I was discharged from the hospital we completely went our seperate ways.
After a very long and painful court process, John and I have since been raising our daughter seperately. He has her every other weekend and two weeks throughout the summer and we alternate holidays. It is very hard being a single mom and there are many times I have to breathe and just look at my babygirl to remind myself how lucky I am. Time is precious. Sleep is almost a joke. And leisurely activities are certainly not the same. No matter what though, I wouldn't change a thing! I love my life.
Single life is not so bad either. I have always been a relationship, ever since I was 13 years old. For the first time in my life I have had the time to discover myself. I finally learned that I don't need a man to make me feel appreciated... I now have a daughter that does that every. single. day. The smile that she gives me when I come home from work is enough for me to know that I will live my life for her. Anything and everything I can do for her, I will. I ADORE HER.
So once again, I'm not sure what to make of this blog, but it's always nice just to type things out and organize your thoughts. if you're reading feel free to comment. always nice to know that your voice is being heard!
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Pediatrician Vent
Just needed to vent... hopefully you guys can add some input. Today was supposed to be the day John and I went to meet the pediatrician. I have been looking forward to it since I made the appointment and is something I am excited to do. I know it's only going to be like 15 minutes, but its one more thing baby that I get to check off the to do list and just one more thing that makes it feel like its really happening. Plus, it makes me feel proactive, it gives me something to do and it makes me feel just a little bit more prepared for the baby.
Anyway, before John left for work he asked me if there was anything I needed from him just incase he couldn't make it to the appointment. I asked him if that meant that he might not make it to the appointment and he said that they were throwing a going away party for someone after work and that he wanted to go. I told him no, that I didn't need anything from him, but he must have seen that it upset me and said never mind that he would be there. He didn't say it mean or anything like that and it certainly wasn't like "ughhhh fine, ill go" but it still upset me.
I messaged him while he was at work giving him the out, letting him know that he doesn't have to be there because I can do it myself and he replied that "it was fine and that he has to grow up anyway." It is nice to see that he realized he was wrong, but I'm still upset. I could have left it and just had him come and ignored that it even happened at all, but I just couldn't do that. I was honest with him and told him that it didn't matter whether he came or not because now if he comes I will still sit there the whole time thinking in the back of my head about how he doesn't want to be there. He said he did want to be there and we left it like that for a few hours.
Later, he messaged me and asked if I could call up to see if they could reschedule for an earlier time. Once again, I probably could have called up, maybe would have gotten an earlier time, he could have came and then still had time to meet up with his co-workers, and we both would have had it our way, but I just didn't want to do that. I have been looking forward to this and I am just disappointed that he doesn't share in that excitement. I dream about how I would have liked the situation to have happened, how he would have been looking forward to the appointment like me, and how they would have told him about the party, and naturally in his head he wouldn't have second guessed about where he would rather go. A girl can dream, can't she?
I just wish he was excited like I am. I wish he had wanted to go because he actually wanted to go, not because I am upset that he didn't want to go. I wish that he would take the initiative to do things to prepare for this baby and that it wasn't me always have to micromanage things like setting up our apartment. I wish that this all came naturally to him and that he would have snapped into baby mode the second I told him I was pregnant. I wish a lot of things... I also wish that they all came true.
But now here is where I want your input. Am I overreacting? It isn't like I am yelling at him or starting a huge fight, I'm home alone while he is at work and I let myself cry over it for a few minutes and then just said snap out of it and get over it. But still, I feel like I may be overreacting and wasted my tears on a completely stupid situation. Maybe it is just the hormones that are blowing everything out of proportion for me. But here is why I think I might be overreacting: First, why should he be excited for a pediatrician visit? It's not really anything that exciting. Second, the point of the appointment is to meet the pediatrician. John has already met the pediatrician because it was his pediatrician when he was younger, so why should I expect him to want to miss out on this party to do this? And third, he was trying. He did admit that he knew he should go and he asked me to reschedule so that he could do both, so obviously it's not like he's being a complete dead beat dad or anything.
Sometimes it's hard though to take yourself out of the situation and to see whether or not you handled it correctly, that's why I need your help! I added a poll for you guys to take! If you want, you can leave comments too!
Anyway, when all is said and done, I just hope that John will come around when the baby is actually here and that he will naturally want to do things like go to a dr. appointment instead of going out with friends. Motherhood must have just hit me first, maybe John needs the actual baby in his arms for fatherhood to hit him too.
Anyway, before John left for work he asked me if there was anything I needed from him just incase he couldn't make it to the appointment. I asked him if that meant that he might not make it to the appointment and he said that they were throwing a going away party for someone after work and that he wanted to go. I told him no, that I didn't need anything from him, but he must have seen that it upset me and said never mind that he would be there. He didn't say it mean or anything like that and it certainly wasn't like "ughhhh fine, ill go" but it still upset me.
I messaged him while he was at work giving him the out, letting him know that he doesn't have to be there because I can do it myself and he replied that "it was fine and that he has to grow up anyway." It is nice to see that he realized he was wrong, but I'm still upset. I could have left it and just had him come and ignored that it even happened at all, but I just couldn't do that. I was honest with him and told him that it didn't matter whether he came or not because now if he comes I will still sit there the whole time thinking in the back of my head about how he doesn't want to be there. He said he did want to be there and we left it like that for a few hours.
Later, he messaged me and asked if I could call up to see if they could reschedule for an earlier time. Once again, I probably could have called up, maybe would have gotten an earlier time, he could have came and then still had time to meet up with his co-workers, and we both would have had it our way, but I just didn't want to do that. I have been looking forward to this and I am just disappointed that he doesn't share in that excitement. I dream about how I would have liked the situation to have happened, how he would have been looking forward to the appointment like me, and how they would have told him about the party, and naturally in his head he wouldn't have second guessed about where he would rather go. A girl can dream, can't she?
I just wish he was excited like I am. I wish he had wanted to go because he actually wanted to go, not because I am upset that he didn't want to go. I wish that he would take the initiative to do things to prepare for this baby and that it wasn't me always have to micromanage things like setting up our apartment. I wish that this all came naturally to him and that he would have snapped into baby mode the second I told him I was pregnant. I wish a lot of things... I also wish that they all came true.
But now here is where I want your input. Am I overreacting? It isn't like I am yelling at him or starting a huge fight, I'm home alone while he is at work and I let myself cry over it for a few minutes and then just said snap out of it and get over it. But still, I feel like I may be overreacting and wasted my tears on a completely stupid situation. Maybe it is just the hormones that are blowing everything out of proportion for me. But here is why I think I might be overreacting: First, why should he be excited for a pediatrician visit? It's not really anything that exciting. Second, the point of the appointment is to meet the pediatrician. John has already met the pediatrician because it was his pediatrician when he was younger, so why should I expect him to want to miss out on this party to do this? And third, he was trying. He did admit that he knew he should go and he asked me to reschedule so that he could do both, so obviously it's not like he's being a complete dead beat dad or anything.
Sometimes it's hard though to take yourself out of the situation and to see whether or not you handled it correctly, that's why I need your help! I added a poll for you guys to take! If you want, you can leave comments too!
Monday, July 15, 2013
Weekend Ups and Downs
This weekend had its ups and downs. On Friday, John and I went to his brothers house with his parents for dinner. Everyone there asked a lot of questions about the baby and loved feeling my tummy. We watched John's niece's 3D sonogram dvd and it just made me super excited to meet my own little one.
Unfortunately, John and I got into a fight that night about other people commenting on how to raise our child. John is worried that other people are going to have too much say in how our child is raised and of course I may have over reacted, but I broke out into tears about how since we are first time parents we are going to be relying on everyone else for advice and that that shouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. Plus, I just tried to warn him that it is going to happen no matter what, everyone is going to try and tell us how to raise our kid. If you don't agree, just sit and smile and ignore it... it's not something to get angry about.
Saturday, John went to play basketball with his friends in the morning, something he has been doing for months. It is difficult because since John works 2 jobs, I hardly get to see him. On his free days I know that he wants to do his own things, but I would rather him spend the time with me/prepare for this baby. But since I am starting to feel anxious about getting everything prepared, I just would rather do it on my own than it not get done at all. So, while he was at basketball, I started rearranging our bedroom. We live in a one bedroom, so space is going to be very tight. In order to fit a crib/bassinet in our room, we had to move our bed to the other side of the room and unfortunately, in order to do that you basically have to take everything out of the room and strategically move the bed inch by inch.
I spent the whole morning cleaning the room out, moving everything from our bedroom into the living room and preparing to move the bed. John got home from basketball and walked into the living room, which looked like a tornado hit it and he kind of got angry and was so taken back that I started this project. He walked into the room already frazzled, so when I asked him to help move the bed it kind of set him off. We got into another fight, ending with me in tears just complaining about having to prepare for this baby without him. I just didn't want my memory of getting the room ready for the baby to be of us fighting.
I think he sort of realized where I was coming from, and after the bed was in the correct place and I returned all of our stuff back into the bedroom, he took the initiative to go and measure the walls to figure out if the crib I found would fit there. Then, he called up his parents to tell them about the crib we found and we spent a little bit of time looking at things for the baby. Later that night, after he worked his night job, our friend came over to hang out. We started talking about the situation and John has admitted that he gets angry too easily and that he is going to try harder to spend time helping me prepare.
Sunday, we woke up early to spend the day out by the water. John has a jetski, but even though I can't jetski, I decided I would go anyway and just sit near the water and read. Unfortunately, it was very hot and even though I knew I would be by myself, after 2 hours of jetskiing, I was just ready to go home. It wasn't John's fault and the view was amazing, but it just put my in a grouchy mood.
Unfortunately, John and I got into a fight that night about other people commenting on how to raise our child. John is worried that other people are going to have too much say in how our child is raised and of course I may have over reacted, but I broke out into tears about how since we are first time parents we are going to be relying on everyone else for advice and that that shouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. Plus, I just tried to warn him that it is going to happen no matter what, everyone is going to try and tell us how to raise our kid. If you don't agree, just sit and smile and ignore it... it's not something to get angry about.
Saturday, John went to play basketball with his friends in the morning, something he has been doing for months. It is difficult because since John works 2 jobs, I hardly get to see him. On his free days I know that he wants to do his own things, but I would rather him spend the time with me/prepare for this baby. But since I am starting to feel anxious about getting everything prepared, I just would rather do it on my own than it not get done at all. So, while he was at basketball, I started rearranging our bedroom. We live in a one bedroom, so space is going to be very tight. In order to fit a crib/bassinet in our room, we had to move our bed to the other side of the room and unfortunately, in order to do that you basically have to take everything out of the room and strategically move the bed inch by inch.
I spent the whole morning cleaning the room out, moving everything from our bedroom into the living room and preparing to move the bed. John got home from basketball and walked into the living room, which looked like a tornado hit it and he kind of got angry and was so taken back that I started this project. He walked into the room already frazzled, so when I asked him to help move the bed it kind of set him off. We got into another fight, ending with me in tears just complaining about having to prepare for this baby without him. I just didn't want my memory of getting the room ready for the baby to be of us fighting.
I think he sort of realized where I was coming from, and after the bed was in the correct place and I returned all of our stuff back into the bedroom, he took the initiative to go and measure the walls to figure out if the crib I found would fit there. Then, he called up his parents to tell them about the crib we found and we spent a little bit of time looking at things for the baby. Later that night, after he worked his night job, our friend came over to hang out. We started talking about the situation and John has admitted that he gets angry too easily and that he is going to try harder to spend time helping me prepare.
Sunday, we woke up early to spend the day out by the water. John has a jetski, but even though I can't jetski, I decided I would go anyway and just sit near the water and read. Unfortunately, it was very hot and even though I knew I would be by myself, after 2 hours of jetskiing, I was just ready to go home. It wasn't John's fault and the view was amazing, but it just put my in a grouchy mood.
Later, John made a comment about how he was talking to his friend about setting up the nursery and that his friend offered to help paint. For some reason, that just really bothered me. I know he only meant well and he was just telling me to try and show that he is starting to take it seriously and starting to prepare for the baby, but I of course took it as that he would rather do things to prepare for this baby with his friend and not me. I apologized for blowing it out of proportion, but I still think that I may have offended John. I know he is trying... he must feel like he can't do anything right.
John had work again last night and I just kind of was in a really bad mood. I was super depressed and lonely and just so sick and tired of sitting around the house bored and alone. I commented about how even if I wanted to hang out with someone, I didn't have the option and overall it was just a shitty feeling to have. When John got home at 2am, of course he was exhausted. He was super sweet and lovey and talking to the baby, he even brought home something for me to snack on. But once I was in that mood it was hard for me to get out of it so when John fell asleep, I just sat up all night crying. I didn't know why and I could feel the baby kicking, but I just couldn't stop. Sometimes I just feel so confused and overwhelmed, I guess it goes along with being 21 and pregnant.
This morning, when John left for work he was super sweet. He knew I had a rough night and he gave me a giant hug and let me know how much he loved me. It was really hot today in New York and so I spent most of the day inside in the AC. When John got home from work, we ate and watched some TV. He took a little nap and he just left about an hour ago for work. I have another night to get through by myself, but at least I'm not depressed today. I'm just sort of going with the flow.
Anyway, my posts won't be this long usually... it just happened to be a very long weekend. I had some ups and downs, but I am just putting it in the past and moving forward. I'm trying my best to just look on the upside about everything, but it is proving to be easier said than done. I am super excited for tomorrow because John and I are going to meet with the pediatrician. The rest of the week seems pretty uneventful, but I will try to post a belly pic on Wednesday (which will mark 26 weeks!)
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Second Trimester
After graduation, I had too much time on my hands. I had always complained about being too busy, but the opposite was just as bad. John worked three jobs and I sat home ALL day by myself. My friends moved home after graduation, my family was 2 hours away, school was over, my internship was over, and I couldn't work as a waitress anymore. I felt like I had nothing left.
I started having really bad panic attacks in my first trimester, but they got worse once I graduated. I would be fine one minute and the next feeling like I was going to die. I would get unbelievably hot, wanting to rip my clothes off, run my head underwater and stand in front of the AC. I began not to want to leave my house, fearing that I would have an anxiety attack in public and not be able to control it. It consumed my life and until I started getting help for it, really took a toll on mine and John's relationship too.
The stress of the pregnancy mixed with my anxiety and depression really had an effect on John. I didn't know it at the time, but he said that it was too much pressure on him to be my only source of company. He worked three jobs and because I was so lonely, I complained all the time. At some point he said he realized that he needed space. He broke up with me in the beginning of June and I did not take it well.
I went home to Long Island for a week, expecting to give him space, but to come home and everything be better. When I came home, I could see that this wasn't the case. I was still lonely, depressed and had anxiety and now because of John's reaction to everything, I didn't even feel like I had him.
I didn't have money, I didn't have any real friends and I didn't have John. We still lived together and he told me "we would work on it," but in reality we weren't working on anything. He spent most of his time working and when he wasn't working, he didn't want to spend his free time with a depressed pregnant me. Instead, he would go out with his friends or take on extra hours at the job. It was extremely hurtful to already be so lonely, but to know that John didn't even want to help me get better.
So after a week, I decided I wasn't going to do it anymore. I wasn't going to live in my own house where I felt unwanted and I wasn't going to stay up here where I had nothing. I told John I was going home and we got into a big fight. His parents intervened and by the end of a very long conversation, John asked me to please stay and work on things with him. I stayed because I really did want to work things out and I was just happy that John finally expressed that he wanted me around.
After that, I decided to get some help. I started seeing a psychiatrist, looking for at home jobs, joining clubs in the area, reading daily... anything to keep me busy. But the problem still remained, I was still lonely and John had not really made any attempt to change our situation. We acted lovey towards each other, I made him breakfast and dinner every night, I cleaned the house throughout the day and just tried to pretend like it was getting better.
Going to the psychiatrist made things better, I started dealing with my anxiety problems and having her to talk to about John was especially helpful. A week went by, but I was still lonely and John was still choosing to spend his time not with me. I went to Long Island for another week, came home for another week, went to Long Island for another week, etc. etc.
It's been a month since we broke up. We still aren't officially dating, but John really wants to raise our child together. He has started trying more, spending time with me, taking off of work, planning date nights and including me in plans. But there are still days where I sit home alone for 20+ hours. I still feel lonely and sometimes depressed and we still fight. I change my mind every week about whether I am going to go live at home with my parents, but for some reason, I just don't want to give up on us just yet.
My second trimester is almost over and new things happen everyday. I can finally feel the baby kick, an unbelievable feeling I am not even sure how to describe. My belly has popped out and yes, I am already starting to feel uncomfortable, but it has been 25 weeks with this baby and I couldn't be more excited to meet him/her. I just started getting a corner ready in our one bedroom apartment for the baby and I spend a lot of time throughout the day looking up baby stuff.
I am not sure where the end of this trimester will take me, but can only hope that it gets better from here. I know that at the end of all of this, I will have the greatest gift of all. 3 and a half months seems pretty far away, but it gets me through each day.
From this point on, my blog will mostly be day to day pregnancy posts. It helps me to be able to type everything out and hopefully it will help someone else to be able to read about it. Now that I have let you into my life, I hope you keep on returning to check up on me. Bookmark the blog, comment on posts and share it with your friends!
I started having really bad panic attacks in my first trimester, but they got worse once I graduated. I would be fine one minute and the next feeling like I was going to die. I would get unbelievably hot, wanting to rip my clothes off, run my head underwater and stand in front of the AC. I began not to want to leave my house, fearing that I would have an anxiety attack in public and not be able to control it. It consumed my life and until I started getting help for it, really took a toll on mine and John's relationship too.
The stress of the pregnancy mixed with my anxiety and depression really had an effect on John. I didn't know it at the time, but he said that it was too much pressure on him to be my only source of company. He worked three jobs and because I was so lonely, I complained all the time. At some point he said he realized that he needed space. He broke up with me in the beginning of June and I did not take it well.
I went home to Long Island for a week, expecting to give him space, but to come home and everything be better. When I came home, I could see that this wasn't the case. I was still lonely, depressed and had anxiety and now because of John's reaction to everything, I didn't even feel like I had him.
I didn't have money, I didn't have any real friends and I didn't have John. We still lived together and he told me "we would work on it," but in reality we weren't working on anything. He spent most of his time working and when he wasn't working, he didn't want to spend his free time with a depressed pregnant me. Instead, he would go out with his friends or take on extra hours at the job. It was extremely hurtful to already be so lonely, but to know that John didn't even want to help me get better.
So after a week, I decided I wasn't going to do it anymore. I wasn't going to live in my own house where I felt unwanted and I wasn't going to stay up here where I had nothing. I told John I was going home and we got into a big fight. His parents intervened and by the end of a very long conversation, John asked me to please stay and work on things with him. I stayed because I really did want to work things out and I was just happy that John finally expressed that he wanted me around.
After that, I decided to get some help. I started seeing a psychiatrist, looking for at home jobs, joining clubs in the area, reading daily... anything to keep me busy. But the problem still remained, I was still lonely and John had not really made any attempt to change our situation. We acted lovey towards each other, I made him breakfast and dinner every night, I cleaned the house throughout the day and just tried to pretend like it was getting better.
Going to the psychiatrist made things better, I started dealing with my anxiety problems and having her to talk to about John was especially helpful. A week went by, but I was still lonely and John was still choosing to spend his time not with me. I went to Long Island for another week, came home for another week, went to Long Island for another week, etc. etc.
It's been a month since we broke up. We still aren't officially dating, but John really wants to raise our child together. He has started trying more, spending time with me, taking off of work, planning date nights and including me in plans. But there are still days where I sit home alone for 20+ hours. I still feel lonely and sometimes depressed and we still fight. I change my mind every week about whether I am going to go live at home with my parents, but for some reason, I just don't want to give up on us just yet.
My second trimester is almost over and new things happen everyday. I can finally feel the baby kick, an unbelievable feeling I am not even sure how to describe. My belly has popped out and yes, I am already starting to feel uncomfortable, but it has been 25 weeks with this baby and I couldn't be more excited to meet him/her. I just started getting a corner ready in our one bedroom apartment for the baby and I spend a lot of time throughout the day looking up baby stuff.
I am not sure where the end of this trimester will take me, but can only hope that it gets better from here. I know that at the end of all of this, I will have the greatest gift of all. 3 and a half months seems pretty far away, but it gets me through each day.
From this point on, my blog will mostly be day to day pregnancy posts. It helps me to be able to type everything out and hopefully it will help someone else to be able to read about it. Now that I have let you into my life, I hope you keep on returning to check up on me. Bookmark the blog, comment on posts and share it with your friends!
First Trimester
My first trimester was unbelievably stressful. I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant at the beginning of March. At the time, I was working as an intern in Senator Gillibrand's Albany office, an hour and a half commute there and back from my house. I had unbelievably bad morning sickness that of course lasted morning, noon and night and sometimes the toll of commuting to the internship only made it worse. I told myself it was only 4 months until the internship was over and that managed to get me through each day.
John and I told our parents right away, and even though they were extremely supportive, I was forced to deal with the inevitable question of "what are your plans for the baby?" The worst part? I wasn't even sure myself. My mom and I talked a lot within that first week and like a mother who just found out her youngest daughter was pregnant, she was concerned about a few things. Her number one concern was my plans for the future and how a baby was going to fit into the mix.
After a long talk with her, I called John up in tears. I was scared. I wasn't sure what I was going to do anymore, I wasn't sure a career in politics was what I wanted anymore, I wasn't even sure if I wanted a career at all. When it felt like my whole life plan was spiraling out of control, I only knew one thing for sure... I wanted to move home and I wanted to be with my mom. I didn't think it was so abnormal for a young first time mom to want to be at home near her family, but I would have never expected the stress that came from it.
John and I have lived together in our apartment for 2 years. We have been together for almost 3 years and like I said earlier, he is the person I knew I wanted to be with. Before John proposed we talked about our future together many times. I had always planned to graduate, hopefully get a job in politics and we had planned to get John back in school and on a path towards a career in criminal justice. I had always told John that I wanted to stay living in the area, even if it meant that I would have to commute to my job which would most likely be in Albany or NYC. He was always concerned that when I graduated I would want to move home, but I assured him time and time again that I really loved the area I am in now and pictured me and John starting a life here together.
Now that you know our background, you can imagine his surprise when I told him I wanted to move home to Long Island.... I don't know why I thought it would go down smoothly, but for some reason his reaction surprised me. He was dead against moving and we fought about it for at least a month. I tried to convince him why I wanted to move, but for some reason "because I want to be with my mom" was just not something he could understand.
I never intended to move somewhere without him. The only thing I cared about more than being near my mom was making sure John and I stayed together. It was really hard, but I realized that this fighting was ruining our relationship and knew that he was never going to change his mind. I decided to stay living where I am now with a compromise that in a year we would move to Long Island together.
When John and I talk about the situation now, he explains to me that he thinks it was my mom who was pressuring me to move home, that I had always told him how I wanted to stay in the area and from his perspective, it was after I talked to my mom that I got scared and felt the need to move home. I don't agree with him at all and I don't know why he can't understand that it was me who wanted to move home, but it is something we just can't talk about anymore.
So my first trimester was very exhausting. With the mixture of morning sickness and fighting all the time, I felt like this pregnancy was the worst thing that could have happened.. When I decided to stay with John, things got a little better... we didn't fight as much and I had the internship to keep me busy. Just when I thought things were okay, it all got out of control again.
I finished my internship in the middle of May. On my last day, I came home to realize that I had been bleeding. I was incredibly scared, didn't know what to do, but knew that I didn't want to lose this baby. My doctor told me I had to give up my job as a waitress and just like that, I had no job. I graduated at the end of May, something I was excited for, but also scared out of my mind. Just like that, I had no job and no more school, my friends went home after graduation and I found myself extremely depressed.
My second trimester proved to be even harder than my first... I couldn't imagine it at the time, but new problems arose that seem now to be much more serious than fighting over a place to live.
John and I told our parents right away, and even though they were extremely supportive, I was forced to deal with the inevitable question of "what are your plans for the baby?" The worst part? I wasn't even sure myself. My mom and I talked a lot within that first week and like a mother who just found out her youngest daughter was pregnant, she was concerned about a few things. Her number one concern was my plans for the future and how a baby was going to fit into the mix.
After a long talk with her, I called John up in tears. I was scared. I wasn't sure what I was going to do anymore, I wasn't sure a career in politics was what I wanted anymore, I wasn't even sure if I wanted a career at all. When it felt like my whole life plan was spiraling out of control, I only knew one thing for sure... I wanted to move home and I wanted to be with my mom. I didn't think it was so abnormal for a young first time mom to want to be at home near her family, but I would have never expected the stress that came from it.
John and I have lived together in our apartment for 2 years. We have been together for almost 3 years and like I said earlier, he is the person I knew I wanted to be with. Before John proposed we talked about our future together many times. I had always planned to graduate, hopefully get a job in politics and we had planned to get John back in school and on a path towards a career in criminal justice. I had always told John that I wanted to stay living in the area, even if it meant that I would have to commute to my job which would most likely be in Albany or NYC. He was always concerned that when I graduated I would want to move home, but I assured him time and time again that I really loved the area I am in now and pictured me and John starting a life here together.
Now that you know our background, you can imagine his surprise when I told him I wanted to move home to Long Island.... I don't know why I thought it would go down smoothly, but for some reason his reaction surprised me. He was dead against moving and we fought about it for at least a month. I tried to convince him why I wanted to move, but for some reason "because I want to be with my mom" was just not something he could understand.
I never intended to move somewhere without him. The only thing I cared about more than being near my mom was making sure John and I stayed together. It was really hard, but I realized that this fighting was ruining our relationship and knew that he was never going to change his mind. I decided to stay living where I am now with a compromise that in a year we would move to Long Island together.
When John and I talk about the situation now, he explains to me that he thinks it was my mom who was pressuring me to move home, that I had always told him how I wanted to stay in the area and from his perspective, it was after I talked to my mom that I got scared and felt the need to move home. I don't agree with him at all and I don't know why he can't understand that it was me who wanted to move home, but it is something we just can't talk about anymore.
So my first trimester was very exhausting. With the mixture of morning sickness and fighting all the time, I felt like this pregnancy was the worst thing that could have happened.. When I decided to stay with John, things got a little better... we didn't fight as much and I had the internship to keep me busy. Just when I thought things were okay, it all got out of control again.
I finished my internship in the middle of May. On my last day, I came home to realize that I had been bleeding. I was incredibly scared, didn't know what to do, but knew that I didn't want to lose this baby. My doctor told me I had to give up my job as a waitress and just like that, I had no job. I graduated at the end of May, something I was excited for, but also scared out of my mind. Just like that, I had no job and no more school, my friends went home after graduation and I found myself extremely depressed.
My second trimester proved to be even harder than my first... I couldn't imagine it at the time, but new problems arose that seem now to be much more serious than fighting over a place to live.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Finding Out
When I found out I was pregnant at 21 I had a rush of emotions. I was so utterly surprised that I wasn't even sure how to react. I had always had irregular periods because of my Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and even birth control did not regulate it. I was told that because of the PCOS, I would most likely have problems getting pregnant. so you can imagine my surprise as a senior in college when I held the positive pregnancy test in my hand.
After the initial impact of the news, I had time to actually soak it all in. I went and told John at his DJing gig that night and when I saw the smile on his face, I knew that everything was going to be okay. John had proposed to me in November, 4 months before I became pregnant, and I couldn't have been more excited to start the rest of my life with him. I knew he was who I wanted to be with, so finding out I was pregnant did not make me feel like I was going to be stuck with someone who I wasn't sure about.
But then reality set it. Big decisions needed to be made. Anxiety attacked me full force. Hormones always found a way into turning me into a blubbering mess. And worst of all, I had no control over any of it.
So here I am, 21 and pregnant. I have the rest of my life in front of me and a baby on the way. The emotional roller coaster I have been on since the day I found out is actually why I wanted to start this blog. Some of the things I have gone through might be unique to my situation, but I hope that this blog will still be relatable to other young moms.
Even I don't know where this blog is going to take me because my situation changes everyday, but I am inviting you to join me for the ride. Enjoy!
After the initial impact of the news, I had time to actually soak it all in. I went and told John at his DJing gig that night and when I saw the smile on his face, I knew that everything was going to be okay. John had proposed to me in November, 4 months before I became pregnant, and I couldn't have been more excited to start the rest of my life with him. I knew he was who I wanted to be with, so finding out I was pregnant did not make me feel like I was going to be stuck with someone who I wasn't sure about.
But then reality set it. Big decisions needed to be made. Anxiety attacked me full force. Hormones always found a way into turning me into a blubbering mess. And worst of all, I had no control over any of it.
So here I am, 21 and pregnant. I have the rest of my life in front of me and a baby on the way. The emotional roller coaster I have been on since the day I found out is actually why I wanted to start this blog. Some of the things I have gone through might be unique to my situation, but I hope that this blog will still be relatable to other young moms.
Even I don't know where this blog is going to take me because my situation changes everyday, but I am inviting you to join me for the ride. Enjoy!
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