Weekend Ups and Downs

This weekend had its ups and downs. On Friday, John and I went to his brothers house with his parents for dinner. Everyone there asked a lot of questions about the baby and loved feeling my tummy. We watched John's niece's 3D sonogram dvd and it just made me super excited to meet my own little one.

Unfortunately, John and I got into a fight that night about other people commenting on how to raise our child. John is worried that other people are going to have too much say in how our child is raised and of course I may have over reacted, but I broke out into tears about how since we are first time parents we are going to be relying on everyone else for advice and that that shouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. Plus, I just tried to warn him that it is going to happen no matter what, everyone is going to try and tell us how to raise our kid. If you don't agree, just sit and smile and ignore it... it's not something to get angry about.

Saturday, John went to play basketball with his friends in the morning, something he has been doing for months. It is difficult because since John works 2 jobs, I hardly get to see him. On his free days I know that he wants to do his own things, but I would rather him spend the time with me/prepare for this baby. But since I am starting to feel anxious about getting everything prepared, I just would rather do it on my own than it not get done at all. So, while he was at basketball, I started rearranging our bedroom. We live in a one bedroom, so space is going to be very tight. In order to fit a crib/bassinet in our room, we had to move our bed to the other side of the room and unfortunately, in order to do that you basically have to take everything out of the room and strategically move the bed inch by inch.

I spent the whole morning cleaning the room out, moving everything from our bedroom into the living room and preparing to move the bed. John got home from basketball and walked into the living room, which looked like a tornado hit it and he kind of got angry and was so taken back that I started this project. He walked into the room already frazzled, so when I asked him to help move the bed it kind of set him off. We got into another fight, ending with me in tears just complaining about having to prepare for this baby without him. I just didn't want my memory of getting the room ready for the baby to be of us fighting.

I think he sort of realized where I was coming from, and after the bed was in the correct place and I returned all of our stuff back into the bedroom, he took the initiative to go and measure the walls to figure out if the crib I found would fit there. Then, he called up his parents to tell them about the crib we found and we spent a little bit of time looking at things for the baby. Later that night, after he worked his night job, our friend came over to hang out. We started talking about the situation and John has admitted that he gets angry too easily and that he is going to try harder to spend time helping me prepare.

Sunday, we woke up early to spend the day out by the water. John has a jetski, but even though I can't jetski, I decided I would go anyway and just sit near the water and read. Unfortunately, it was very hot and even though I knew I would be by myself, after 2 hours of jetskiing, I was just ready to go home. It wasn't John's fault and the view was amazing, but it just put my in a grouchy mood.

Later, John made a comment about how he was talking to his friend about setting up the nursery and that his friend offered to help paint. For some reason, that just really bothered me. I know he only meant well and he was just telling me to try and show that he is starting to take it seriously and starting to prepare for the baby, but I of course took it as that he would rather do things to prepare for this baby with his friend and not me. I apologized for blowing it out of proportion, but I still think that I may have offended John. I know he is trying... he must feel like he can't do anything right. 

John had work again last night and I just kind of was in a really bad mood. I was super depressed and lonely and just so sick and tired of sitting around the house bored and alone. I commented about how even if I wanted to hang out with someone, I didn't have the option and overall it was just a shitty feeling to have. When John got home at 2am, of course he was exhausted. He was super sweet and lovey and talking to the baby, he even brought home something for me to snack on. But once I was in that mood it was hard for me to get out of it so when John fell asleep, I just sat up all night crying. I didn't know why and I could feel the baby kicking, but I just couldn't stop. Sometimes I just feel so confused and overwhelmed, I guess it goes along with being 21 and pregnant.

This morning, when John left for work he was super sweet. He knew I had a rough night and he gave me a giant hug and let me know how much he loved me. It was really hot today in New York and so I spent most of the day inside in the AC. When John got home from work, we ate and watched some TV. He took a little nap and he just left about an hour ago for work. I have another night to get through by myself, but at least I'm not depressed today. I'm just sort of going with the flow. 

Anyway, my posts won't be this long usually... it just happened to be a very long weekend. I had some ups and downs, but I am just putting it in the past and moving forward. I'm trying my best to just look on the upside about everything, but it is proving to be easier said than done. I am super excited for tomorrow because John and I are going to meet with the pediatrician. The rest of the week seems pretty uneventful, but I will try to post a belly pic on Wednesday (which will mark 26 weeks!)

Second Trimester

After graduation, I had too much time on my hands. I had always complained about being too busy, but the opposite was just as bad. John worked three jobs and I sat home ALL day by myself. My friends moved home after graduation, my family was 2 hours away, school was over, my internship was over, and I couldn't work as a waitress anymore. I felt like I had nothing left.

I started having really bad panic attacks in my first trimester, but they got worse once I graduated. I would be fine one minute and the next feeling like I was going to die. I would get unbelievably hot, wanting to rip my clothes off, run my head underwater and stand in front of the AC. I began not to want to leave my house, fearing that I would have an anxiety attack in public and not be able to control it. It consumed my life and until I started getting help for it, really took a toll on mine and John's relationship too.

The stress of the pregnancy mixed with my anxiety and depression really had an effect on John. I didn't know it at the time, but he said that it was too much pressure on him to be my only source of company. He worked three jobs and because I was so lonely, I complained all the time. At some point he said he realized that he needed space. He broke up with me in the beginning of June and I did not take it well.

I went home to Long Island for a week, expecting to give him space, but to come home and everything be better. When I came home, I could see that this wasn't the case. I was still lonely, depressed and had anxiety and now because of John's reaction to everything, I didn't even feel like I had him.

I didn't have money, I didn't have any real friends and I didn't have John. We still lived together and he told me "we would work on it," but in reality we weren't working on anything. He spent most of his time working and when he wasn't working, he didn't want to spend his free time with a depressed pregnant me. Instead, he would go out with his friends or take on extra hours at the job. It was extremely hurtful to already be so lonely, but to know that John didn't even want to help me get better.

So after a week, I decided I wasn't going to do it anymore. I wasn't going to live in my own house where I felt unwanted and I wasn't going to stay up here where I had nothing. I told John I was going home and we got into a big fight. His parents intervened and by the end of a very long conversation, John asked me to please stay and work on things with him. I stayed because I really did want to work things out and I was just happy that John finally expressed that he wanted me around.

After that, I decided to get some help. I started seeing a psychiatrist, looking for at home jobs, joining clubs in the area, reading daily... anything to keep me busy. But the problem still remained, I was still lonely and John had not really made any attempt to change our situation. We acted lovey towards each other, I made him breakfast and dinner every night, I cleaned the house throughout the day and just tried to pretend like it was getting better.

Going to the psychiatrist made things better, I started dealing with my anxiety problems and having her to talk to about John was especially helpful. A week went by, but I was still lonely and John was still choosing to spend his time not with me. I went to Long Island for another week, came home for another week, went to Long Island for another week, etc. etc.

It's been a month since we broke up. We still aren't officially dating, but John really wants to raise our child together. He has started trying more, spending time with me, taking off of work, planning date nights and including me in plans. But there are still days where I sit home alone for 20+ hours. I still feel lonely and sometimes depressed and we still fight. I change my mind every week about whether I am going to go live at home with my parents, but for some reason, I just don't want to give up on us just yet.

My second trimester is almost over and new things happen everyday. I can finally feel the baby kick, an unbelievable feeling I am not even sure how to describe. My belly has popped out and yes, I am already starting to feel uncomfortable, but it has been 25 weeks with this baby and I couldn't be more excited to meet him/her. I just started getting a corner ready in our one bedroom apartment for the baby and I spend a lot of time throughout the day looking up baby stuff.

I am not sure where the end of this trimester will take me, but can only hope that it gets better from here. I know that at the end of all of this, I will have the greatest gift of all. 3 and a half months seems pretty far away, but it gets me through each day.

From this point on, my blog will mostly be day to day pregnancy posts. It helps me to be able to type everything out and hopefully it will help someone else to be able to read about it. Now that I have let you into my life, I hope you keep on returning to check up on me. Bookmark the blog, comment on posts and share it with your friends!