Second Trimester

After graduation, I had too much time on my hands. I had always complained about being too busy, but the opposite was just as bad. John worked three jobs and I sat home ALL day by myself. My friends moved home after graduation, my family was 2 hours away, school was over, my internship was over, and I couldn't work as a waitress anymore. I felt like I had nothing left.

I started having really bad panic attacks in my first trimester, but they got worse once I graduated. I would be fine one minute and the next feeling like I was going to die. I would get unbelievably hot, wanting to rip my clothes off, run my head underwater and stand in front of the AC. I began not to want to leave my house, fearing that I would have an anxiety attack in public and not be able to control it. It consumed my life and until I started getting help for it, really took a toll on mine and John's relationship too.

The stress of the pregnancy mixed with my anxiety and depression really had an effect on John. I didn't know it at the time, but he said that it was too much pressure on him to be my only source of company. He worked three jobs and because I was so lonely, I complained all the time. At some point he said he realized that he needed space. He broke up with me in the beginning of June and I did not take it well.

I went home to Long Island for a week, expecting to give him space, but to come home and everything be better. When I came home, I could see that this wasn't the case. I was still lonely, depressed and had anxiety and now because of John's reaction to everything, I didn't even feel like I had him.

I didn't have money, I didn't have any real friends and I didn't have John. We still lived together and he told me "we would work on it," but in reality we weren't working on anything. He spent most of his time working and when he wasn't working, he didn't want to spend his free time with a depressed pregnant me. Instead, he would go out with his friends or take on extra hours at the job. It was extremely hurtful to already be so lonely, but to know that John didn't even want to help me get better.

So after a week, I decided I wasn't going to do it anymore. I wasn't going to live in my own house where I felt unwanted and I wasn't going to stay up here where I had nothing. I told John I was going home and we got into a big fight. His parents intervened and by the end of a very long conversation, John asked me to please stay and work on things with him. I stayed because I really did want to work things out and I was just happy that John finally expressed that he wanted me around.

After that, I decided to get some help. I started seeing a psychiatrist, looking for at home jobs, joining clubs in the area, reading daily... anything to keep me busy. But the problem still remained, I was still lonely and John had not really made any attempt to change our situation. We acted lovey towards each other, I made him breakfast and dinner every night, I cleaned the house throughout the day and just tried to pretend like it was getting better.

Going to the psychiatrist made things better, I started dealing with my anxiety problems and having her to talk to about John was especially helpful. A week went by, but I was still lonely and John was still choosing to spend his time not with me. I went to Long Island for another week, came home for another week, went to Long Island for another week, etc. etc.

It's been a month since we broke up. We still aren't officially dating, but John really wants to raise our child together. He has started trying more, spending time with me, taking off of work, planning date nights and including me in plans. But there are still days where I sit home alone for 20+ hours. I still feel lonely and sometimes depressed and we still fight. I change my mind every week about whether I am going to go live at home with my parents, but for some reason, I just don't want to give up on us just yet.

My second trimester is almost over and new things happen everyday. I can finally feel the baby kick, an unbelievable feeling I am not even sure how to describe. My belly has popped out and yes, I am already starting to feel uncomfortable, but it has been 25 weeks with this baby and I couldn't be more excited to meet him/her. I just started getting a corner ready in our one bedroom apartment for the baby and I spend a lot of time throughout the day looking up baby stuff.

I am not sure where the end of this trimester will take me, but can only hope that it gets better from here. I know that at the end of all of this, I will have the greatest gift of all. 3 and a half months seems pretty far away, but it gets me through each day.

From this point on, my blog will mostly be day to day pregnancy posts. It helps me to be able to type everything out and hopefully it will help someone else to be able to read about it. Now that I have let you into my life, I hope you keep on returning to check up on me. Bookmark the blog, comment on posts and share it with your friends!